Book of Jerry
Bible Wisdom Straight Outta the Bronx
All scriptures taken from the BLT ~ Bacon Lettuce Tomato Translation
Book of Jerry: Bible Wisdom Straight Outta the Bronx is a street-smart, grammatically impaired, almost-certainly-embellished translation of scriptures and Bible stories in a way you’ve never heard 'em before—real-talk, in-your-face, Italian New Yawkah style. Ba-da-BING!Living inside the twisted mind of Janet Schwind comes this brash voice from the Bronx who's got a little kick-in-the-pants truth for ya with some choice words you maybe ain't heard before in a Bible-type situation.Jerry delivers his modern-day translations of God’s message with his storytellin' wisdom on topics from love and faith to fear and hope—from the Beatitudes to the story of creation—and everything in-between.How'd this even happen, for cryin' out loud? One day this guy Jerry was sittin' in a Bronx deli mindin' his own bees wax, eatin' his BLT, when he encountered the Holy One—yeah, God—who spoke to him, sayin', “Jerry! I want you to write a book for me.”Wiping mayo off his face onto his sleeve, Jerry says, “I’m eatin'! Can you get someone else?"The Lord would hear none of that whining and insisted Jerry was his choice—an imperfect vessel, sure, but he was the one.Though Jerry can barely put his pants on in the morning, God looked at him and said, "You'll do."From that moment on—well, right after he finished his lunch, which he had a BLT, double order of steak fries, plus a pastrami on rye and not one but two cheesecake wedges, and basically hogged the booth for about two hours so he got a late-in-the-day start, but still, pretty quick—Jerry got to work putting together his message sent straight down from heaven (we hope), writin' for the Lord as best he knew how.Here’s just a sample of the no -holds-barred wisdom from ol’ Jerry:“Verily I say unto you, go through that skinny gate over there. Yeah, that one. I know it’s narrow; stop with the complaining. If you didn’t eat so many donuts this wouldn’t be such a problem. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to the donut shop, and many have gone that way, but you ain’t going to, are you? That’s for losers! Listen up, now, kid. Small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to what I like to call “things going smoothly for you.” But listen, I’ve told you a million times, not very many people are willing to give up the donuts. Don’t be a schmuck! Stick to the skinny gate. And don’t forget to close it behind you—and latch it, for Pete’s sake! Don’t forget! You always forget to latch it! Go in peace.”**If a knucklehead like Jerry can be chosen for this job out of all the amazing people on earth, maybe there’s room for more of us at the Lord’s table.
"Love is kinda like Corinthian leather—pretty plush, like you’d pay top dollar for, none of this Naugahyde crap like they got in the waitin room at the dentist."
~Jerry
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"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall receive casseroles and pies for a couple a months."
~Jerry
Janet Schmanet,
I mean, Schwind
Thanks!
What are you still doing here?