A humorous literary adventure

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“Blessed are the meek,
for they won't get punched in the face
for spoutin' off.”

Book of Jerry: Bible Wisdom Straight Outta the Bronx is a street-smart, grammatically impaired, almost-certainly embellished translation of random scriptures and Bible stories in a way you maybe ain't heard 'em before—real-talk, in-your-face, Italian New Yorkah style. BadaBING!

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all scripture taken from the blt:
bacon lettuce tomato translation

“I shouldn't have to say this, but don't
kill no one. Any moron knows that's
a big no-no.”

This guy Jerry was sittin’ in a Bronx diner mindin’ his own beeswax, eatin‘ his BLT, when he encountered the Holy One—yeah, God. “Jerry! I want you to write me a book.”

Wipin' mayo off his face, Jerry says, “I’m eatin'! Can you get someone else?"

The Lord would hear none of that whinin’ and insisted Jerry was his choice—an imperfect vessel, sure, but he was the one.

Though Jerry can barely put his pants on in the morning, God looked at him and said, "You'll do."

Think you know the Bible like Jerry? Forgeddabouddit!

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will receive casseroles and pies enough for a couple a months.”
From the BeAttitudes

From that moment on [well, right after lunch], Jerry got to work writin’ for the Lord as best he knew how—which ain’t that good, but still—‘A’ for effort.Armed with a worn-out thesaurus and a penchant for exaggeratin', Jerry takes on the sacred task of translatin’ random Bible verses and stories in his own [oh, what shall we call it] unscholarly yet sincere way.

Rewritin’ the Bible’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

“There’s a time to wait in line
at Chik-fil-A and a time to bail.”
From the book of EcclesiNasties

Jerry pontificates on everything from the story of Creation and stuff from the BeAttitudes, Proverbs o' Jerry, Psalms of Pjerry to EcclesiNasties and last but definitely not least, his heartfelt Song of Jerry, you know, like Song of Solomon—only it’s Jerry.

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stuff you maybe ain't heard before
in a Bible-type situation

“Verily I say unto you, go through that skinny gate over there. Yeah, that one. I know it’s narrow; stop with the complainin'. If you didn’t eat so many donuts this wouldn’t be such a problem.”

Truth's got a new voice...some guy from The Bronx with food in his mouth.

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Praise for Book of Jerry

“Seeing as Jerry flunked out of Catechism, I'm a little surprised at this turn of events, but the Lord works in mysterious ways, am I right? God bless him.”
~Father Carlini, St. Rigatoni of the Holy Order of Sebaceous Glands

If a knucklehead like Jerry can be chosen for this job out of all the amazing people on earth, maybe there’s room for more of us at the Lord’s table.

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